Let’s Talk About Duck Ding-a-lings
Picture it: Texas. 2015. And we’d just bought ducks.
Before we got ducks we had chickens, so at the time I figured they’d just be basically big chickens that were good swimmers. And while I was prepared for the sometimes brutal sexual escapades that we’d already experienced with hen/rooster humping, NOBODY prepared me for the spectacle that is a duck’s penis. Note: We are going to use the technical term “penis” exactly once. From here on out, you never know what you’ll get.
See, most male birds (about 97%) are completely missing their outside plumbing and instead have a cloaca like their female counterpart. That’s literally their “poop chute”, but it serves double duty as it’s also where eggs pop out. Chickens do the dirty via a “cloacal kiss”, which is like chickens doing a fist bump, except awkwardly and with their butts. It only lasts a few seconds, is still very effective and there is ZERO “romance”. On any average day, our roosters chase the girls around, committing multiple felonies in our backyard.
But ducks … aah, my adorable little noisemakers! Drakes are blessed with an appendage that looks like fusilli pasta or a curly fry. So I guess the ducks looked at the chickens’ perfectly serviceable and time-efficient system and said “let’s make it worse.”
Ducks are just about the cutest things on the planet, up until the time that the males start feeling romantic. (Honestly, duck dick may be the reason I have trust issues.) Unexpected lessons on our farm are not uncommon, but that year I got the mother of all lessons watching a drake “finish” with one of his ladies and proceed to drag his biological bottle opener around for a full minute before pulling it back up into his booty. Thankfully we’d seen this before (pigs have a drill bit doodad too), so we didn’t panic or start calling vets. But we gained a newfound respect for Mother Nature’s hustle.
Where there is a will, there is a way. Duck female anatomy is made to handle the corkscrew, so it’s just as complex but unseen. And in about a month, we added more ducklings to the mix.
If you start keeping male ducks, you will see the spiral surprise eventually and after a while it won’t be as disturbing. Unless it remains out for hours, in which case you should probably call a vet.
Otherwise, don’t worry about the drake dangler. We told the kids it’s just nature’s way of saying Helloooo nurse!.
Or, you know, you could just get chickens.